Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Number two to no one?

No one’s number two
It is inevitable that we cannot all be number one. In a culture where we give every kid a trophy for showing up and paying for the entry fee, everyone wins! Right? Wrong. Many of us grew up and tried out for sports or cheerleading and did not make the team. We were not chosen. And it’s a powerful lesson. We cannot always be someone’s first pick. It puts that horrible drop feeling in your stomach that for a second you think you're either gonna puke or never eat again. Maybe you cry, maybe you scream or maybe no change outwardly happens and life just moves on.
There are lessons in every time a door just in our face leaving the door knocker pressed up against our nose. Am I even at the right house? Or am I early or late to the address I thought I was supposed to be at? But the real point is, the door is closed. And there are other doors, windows,  even smokestacks and keyholes that may contain the avenue that you are meant to follow.

The path we are on and where we have ended up is a series of no’s, yes’s, half-ass choices and strong firm decisions. We cannot go back, Marty and Doc have yet to show up in the DeLorean offering any of us a chance at redemption. So we must make TODAY the one that counts. My neck would look like something from Exorcist if I tried to second guess and look back to every what if in my life.

If you're gonna be number two, it better be to someone awesome like Mother Nature or someone’s mother.  

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Learning to Fly --- warning blog contains fbombs

When I left college, I was so full of dreams and hopes for the future. Twenty-two years old and the world seemed so open and beautiful. Fast forward eighteen years and I had gotten to a point where I saw life in grey, had migraines every day for over six weeks and I had no pleasure in anything but watching the same movie at bedtime every night.

I never believed in soul searching. Seemed like a cliche thing to do, I need to go find myself. More like you need to go fuck yourself.  How does one not know who they are? But in my cloud of suck, migraines and Fantastic Mr. Fox, I need to find not myself but a path off of the perpetual Merry Go Round at some demented County Fair.

That is how I started to fly. That is how I started to soul search. Damn it, I am one of those flakes looking for themselves when really I was here the whole time-- bullshit. No, I really started to examine and look at what I used to really love to do-- what could I change in my life to make me feel joy-- my job. So I examined hobbies and any topic that used to hold my interest. Further, in the process, I listened to Pretty Hate Machine by Nine Inch Nails because it was the first album that I felt expressed what I was feeling at the time in my life that I heard it, it was revolutionary and it was not on the radio. It was breathtaking and I loved it. Trent's music is a little angrier than I am now but the feeling of my youth is woven in those electric drum beats.

And now, I am continuing to learn to fly on my own. I have gone back to those years before the kids, before the marriage. To see who I was before I was mom, before I was wife-- when I was just Danyel.

When Danyel could be and do whatever she put her mind to. Still in the cocoon just waiting to pull her beautiful butterfly wings out.

Now, I am back. Danyel has had a Phoenix rising moment. This time out of the cocoon, I come with so much more information, two amazing kids and a great support system helping when this butterfly is caught in a net.  

Monday, May 1, 2017

Not my circus, not my monkeys... Unless I'm a monkey's uncle

Part of my growth has been to identify what are my issues, what are other people's issues and what I really need to be involved in; particularly when it comes to my stress, emotions, and my time. We are raised to think that we should do anything and everything for our family. Family first. But in a day in age when family members could steal your Care Bear or dance costumes for some herion those ties that bind really get reevaluated by the younger generations, I think. I am Generation X and I do not think blood is thicker. I have seen shit behind peoples backs and it sickens me. Then again I have had friends old and new that have been truer to me than those with my same red life-force. What makes loyalty? What earns trust? Not a last name. Not blood. Not always.

It is the interactions each time you are with that person. We all have friends or family we can go years not seeing and pick right back up like no time has passed and no love has been lost, just time. Because most interactions with them are good, happy and not negative. So getting back to the title of this blog-- who do we count as our monkeys?

My monkeys first and foremost are my kids, then my siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, parents, grandparents and Meena. She is like the Y. She counts in all categories. Friend, family. Consonant, vowel. Meena is all things. Then a few select friends and few select aunts and uncles, but not all. I have one cousin that has been loyal to me since he could talk, literally since he was a toddler he has been loyal, loving and one person I know I can call for anything. He would ask me when he was little, 'Sissy, can we talk?' And we would sit at the kitchen table and talk for hours. And we still do.

I realized in the last year that the drama and negativity of some family and friends do not have to be mine. That was hard to say no to. It is hard to separate yourself from family especially when you realize they are toxic to you and happy living. Now I am learning to find the happiness in everything which will help in dealing with these toxic people in new and happier ways that don't leave me reeling for hours later in their and my own negativity over the situation.

I thought the only way was to cut them out of my life, but that is not always possible. New ways, new life, new view.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Not writing... to write

It's been days if not a week since my last blog when I had been churning them out one after another. But I have a great reason for the delay, I am working on my books. Like to completion. I know I have blogged about wanted to really write not that putting words in this blog isn't writing. But I love writing books and novellas. I had put my books away digitally speaking for almost three and others five years. And I have been reading them and remembering that I love taking someone, even myself to somewhere where they are not themselves. Feeling things, seeing things, and all through the arrangement of letters. What amazing of magic is that?

I plan to self-publish a few novellas first and I have one full-length novel that once completed in the final edits. I think I may submit to a publishing house started by an acquaintance I met at a Writing/ Author's conference seven years ago this month. I thought I would be published within a year or two of meeting all these authors and writers.  Today is my time to wait no longer.

My muse has been busy fueled by a happy body and mind. I have been doing yoga, taking walks, seeing butterflies, meditating, working on my craft every day and doing something every day that brings me happiness. EVERY DAY.

Sorry so short...

Back to my novels.