Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Part II of my nervous breakdown last week



March 7, 2013
I am at a point that I can take this no longer. I am sick of stressing my life away about my weight. I don’t need to be a size 8.  Hell I would be happy to be any healthy weight where I feel good inside and out.
I hate what I have become. I eat to feel good, but eating makes me feel bad about myself and my will power. I am a decent person, but I expect that everyone sees me as I do- fat fucking blob.
I am a failure. I know everyone around me sees this as well.  My clothes don’t fit. I feel like the monster that swallowed Danyel. I know she is in there but I can only see a glimmer of her now.
I wonder if I self sabotage in my writing too. I have 2 full length novels, 2 novellas and 3 starts of sequels all in various stages of writing. The novels and novellas are perpetually in the editing phase. I cannot complete an edit to final stage. When I go back and read them after letting them sit in a folder, I am shocked at what I read. It is not bad, definitely doesn’t suck. Yet I haven’t ever submitted or published a damn thing.
My amazing Aunt Gini just started a blog called Been Fat, Done with That ;  http://beenfatdonewiththat.com/
So here is to trying to move towards healthy lifestyle, healthy thoughts and maybe even a healthy me.

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Since this was written, I am meditating every day, editing on my novella and trying to eat organic as much as I can afford to. Oh and exercised 5 of the last 7 days. I am making baby steps to see and feel myself as great.